Yukitaro

My brother moved out of the country a couple of weeks ago and left me a road bike, among other things. So the last couple of weekends I've been out biking for hours at a time, partially with the aim of getting in shape, partially with the intent of looking for a new place to live. Since summer is just beginning, it's still bearable during the day. However, by the time August rolls around I don't think I'll be going out for hours at a time. Somehow I managed to play badminton in the summers here though. As adults, we are forced to play in the gyms of elementary and middle schools, which incidentally have no kind of A/C or ventilation whatsoever. I drank 3 liters of a sports drink in a session once and was completely drenched in sweat. Talk about disgusting...

The first weekend I had the bike, I went out to Naka-Meguro, which is well known as a hip and trendy neighborhood where young people want to live. I had been there before, but it didn't leave much of an impression. This time I biked through in the afternoon, strolled around a bit and came back at night to check out the night life. There were a lot more places than in my current neighborhood. However, as a result of it being a much larger neighborhood, it didn't have anything like Taco Star, which is my own personal Cheers as I'm fond of saying. That area is also more expensive than my current neighborhood, so I would definitely have to do some serious thinking before I moved there.

This last weekend, I went out and had a lunch date with someone who I had recently gotten back in touch with via facebook. Viva la facebook. I used the date as an opportunity to check out a couple of other neighborhoods that I'd also though about living in. She was a really good sport about it as we walked through extensive amounts of Kouenji and Ogikubo. Of those two, I think I liked the amount of stuff at Kouenji more, but Ogikubo was the "calmer" of the two, which is something that appeals to me.

I somewhat regrettably had to part ways with the girl to head off to the Hapa cruise thing, but I'll continue telling that story some other time...

So where did I leave off...I guess after that I hung out with Y about three more times.

The first time after that was on a Friday after work. I had taken the day off, but I had to head there anyway since the restaurant that she wanted to go to was right by work. And it was the two of us plus the same co-worker I had been out with Y on a number of occasions. After dinner the two of us went off to the station by her house again and talked for a while. She expressed a desire to go back to the way things had been before all of the craziness had started. I felt I had no choice to consent; I'm not about to start whining and begging to let things go forward..not at this age and not for her. However, she expressed an interest in meeting my friends and going to places that I like. So that night I took her to my favorite neighborhood joint, Taco Star. We hung out there for a little while and then she went home by taxi.

The following week we again went out on Friday. This time it was just the two of us, and I took her to another one of my favorite places. After we finished the okonomiyaki, we went to a nearby place for a couple more drinks. While we were there, she told me that her best friend was coming to stay at her place that night and asked if I wanted to meet her. I of course agreed and so off we went to Shibuya.

She took me to her friend's (not the best friend) wine bar and we continued to drink and chat. I sat with her best friend on my left, with Y on my right. After a while a fourth random person came and sat next to Y, on her right. At this point, the best friend started to give me lots of encouragement. Telling me that Y is in a rough spot right now, but I should wait for her to get through it. She pointed out to me that Y was taking me to her favorite places and introducing me to her friends. And then she advised me that one possible approach was to spell out my plans for the future and then tell Y that I wanted her to be a part of it all.

After a while we left the wine bar, got in a taxi, and parted ways back in Y's neighborhood. Having received a pep talk from her best friend, I was in good spirits, so I walked home.

The final chapter in this misadventure came the next Wednesday, one week ago now, when I went out with Y for dinner. It was already late by the time she got off from work. I had already gone home and changed after I got off work and had done a bunch of chores by the time she contacted me. We chose a random place to have dinner. After I had a few drinks in me, I decided to try the approach her friend advised me on the previous weekend. After all, I wasn't that serious about this girl anyway.. how could I be? So what did I have to lose.

Her response was entirely expected. She wasn't ready for anything yet, couldn't even think about it. Told me that if I was in a hurry that I should look for someone else. And a number of other things along those lines. After chatting for a little while longer, she excused herself to go home.

That night I figured out that she had gotten back together with the boyfriend. However, she hadn't had the common courtesy to let me know. She had had plenty of opportunities to let me know. I can only think that she was trying to "keep" me available as an option should things still not work out with the boyfriend. But she's not that great a catch, so I refuse to let myself be in that situation. Thus the next day I wished her happiness and ended my pursuit.

I'm still not sleeping through the night, so something is still the matter. It's not as rough to make it through the days as it was initially. That aching feeling in my chest isn't as acute as it was the first couple of weeks. But it's still there, just more dull than before. Which makes me think that it's because I'm not over Keiko yet. It always takes me a while to get over someone. While I self-sabotaged my relationship, it was not (entirely) a premeditated thing. I had not actively been thinking How do I break up with her? I still had feelings with her, and of course she had played a very integral part of my life for about 10 months. Suddenly ripping that out of my life probably messed me up in ways that I just can't understand. I had never been so close to getting hitched before, so I don't have any experience to draw on for this.

My last girlfriend I had dated for a similar amount of time. Unfortunately I got sent away on a business trip in America and the foundations of the relationship were admittedly shaky to start with. She was a fourth generation Japanese-born Korean and as such was expected to marry the same. Being me, I was persistent in my efforts to try to win her over. But I guess she wore me down, since when it came time to break up, I didn't put up much of a fight and certainly didn't have any problems sleeping like this.

I dated the girlfriend before that for more than a year. Before the actual break-up, I spent months trying to figure out how to do it, since I had unfortunately let her move in with me. And funnily enough, I had promised that I wouldn't let someone move in with me after that, unless I was absolutely sure I would marry them. But of course with Keiko, I was blinded by the initial honeymoon period and my own bliss, so I let it happen again.

--

I just don't really know what I'm doing or what I want. For the longest time, I had myself convinced that I wanted more than anything to get settled down and have a family. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm still overseas, but ultimately I don't think it's just that. I may have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not ready for that level of commitment, and just let it happen without trying so damn hard.

As I previously mentioned, I had to work extremely hard on a project for half a year. I had never had a work experience like that before. At most I'd have a busy week or two. The amount of work required for this project was enough for two people but of course I only had myself to rely on for it. I had been dating Keiko for all of about two months when the project started. There was no ramp up to being busy and it never let up until the end. At the beginning of last November I started putting in overtime every day. Not just a day or two a week, but every single day.

The kind of work I was doing was not easy work either, so I was using my brain all day long, from the start of the business day until I finally decided to go home at night. When I'm working normally, I'll take breaks to read news or otherwise kill some time. But I never felt like I had that luxury and judging by the fact that I barely managed to make my final deadline, I am justified in believing so.

I've got a really nasty workaholic streak in me which isn't helped by the fact that I can be a real perfectionist about my work. I can be a horrendous slob at my own place and for other things where I don't give a damn, I'll be a slacker. However when I choose to dedicate myself to something, I put that ahead of everything else. As a result, that one thing ends up taking precedence over everything else. And for this project that meant not even just the hours I was at work. I would be consumed with pouring over the details of it even after I got home and on the weekends. There were too many things to keep track of, since in addition to the actual work, I had to do project management as well as manage the onshore and offshore resources. This was all brand new to me, so I had to learn as I went along.

I assign the lion's share of the blame for things with Keiko going so horribly wrong to the above. But I guess that's not all there is to it.

I've made many, many mistakes in life. One of the big ones which I'm currently struggling to come to grips with is the fact that I gave about $10,000 to my now ex-girlfriend to hold on to for our future together. Now she won't give it back. She said "Hey, bring it on in court... it'll probably cost all of that to make me pay it back!" And then I had this great little incident happen last week. I went on a little getaway with one of my friends for a couple of days and leave the rental car parked outside my place. I wake up in the morning to find it keyed. That night I had had an unhappy conversation with the ex- where she kept claiming over and over again that my actions were "incredible", and not in the good way. Anyway, the list of suspects is just about 1 long... Compounding the evidence is the fact that she was actually at my local bar that night. Too much coincidence for me.

Obviously I know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but c'mon, aren't we a little too old for keying up someone's rental car? Cost me fucking $200 because the car was out of service for X # of days.

For A's 2nd & last farewell evening (I missed the first one since I was with Y the whole night), we went to get pizza at my favorite pizza place, Pizzakaya. After that we went off to a couple of other bars before ending up at "First Bar", where we stayed for the rest of the night. First Lisa took off, then the other two guys took off.. leaving A and I there. It was already after 2AM, so we decided to call it a night and headed back to my place. Fast forward to noon the next day and I parted ways with A for the last time and went off to get my haircut.

I always get my haircut at the same place and have many, many times sought out relationship advice from the girl who cuts my hair. This time was no different as I gave her the updates on my situation. However, unlike the other times, she had little in the way of advice to give, saying that I was too unsure about things myself for her to comment on it. This was a bit disappointing to me, since she had been a fountain of good advice for me in the past. But I admitted it myself that I had no idea what the hell was going on in my head, so it made sense.

It just so happens that Y lives in the same district that I get my haircut, so I caved in and called her to see if she wanted to hang out. She didn't answer, so I started to text her when she called me back. I let her know I was going to be out of town during the week but that I'd like to see her the next weekend. She at first said she had plans on the weekend but then I specifically listed out the days, she said she was free on Friday, so I made plans for Friday night. And as I type this, I am about to head out for that... unfortunately, her co-worker is coming along again; the same one we went out with last week and also for karaoke. Does she invite the co-worker along to keep herself from doing anything silly like going back with me to her place? So that I can get to know her better? I have no idea. I had actually hoped for a nice quiet evening with the two of us so that I could have a good talk and hopefully put an end to things with Y. The more I think about it, the more I think I don't need this right now...as I have said from the very beginning.

Having decided that's the end of that, I go to work the next day and carry on about my business. We work on different floors so there's typically no contact. And so the day passes and I go home to an empty apartment with no food, so I finally head out again to grab a bite to eat around 9PM. Then I stop by my local bar for a couple drinks and just as I start drinking, I get a call from an unregistered number. I hesitate, since I'm pretty sure there's only one possibility about who it's going to be and so lo and behold, it's Y calling me up to see if I want to go out to karaoke. Having no willpower whatsoever, I agree to meet her shortly for karaoke... a little after 10PM. Not really a big deal since I usually don't go to sleep until after 1AM anyway, but still. C'mon, Kendrick, stick to your guns.

Karaoke was fun as it always is and then the 4 of us (two other people from our company) parted ways and went home. I ended up having lunch with her one other time during the week and actually grabbed the bull by the horns and said I was starting to fall her and was thinking it might be best to not see her anymore. But then eventually gave up on that and decided I'd keep seeing her anyway. Again showing off my strong backbone.

Friday we again went out with one other co-worker and these random old dentist dudes. I drank far, far, far too much. I have no excuse for the complete lack of restraint. After a certain point, things started to blur more and more. Then there were some strange, angry scenes at a bar, followed by me punching a light pole, then heading back to the bar to talk with Y some more. The next thing I know it, it's 5 AM and I'm coming to on the ground outside her place. Really weird experience. I'm still completely drunk, so I pick myself up off the ground, head to the train and pass out. Then I wake up at the opposite end of the train line and head back the opposite way and finally manage to get off at a stop near my house. Get home, pass out. Wake up, send an apologetic e-mail. Nap on and off the rest of the day until it's time to go meet up with A for a farewell evening.

Starting that night, Keiko started staying at her parents. We had plans for the next day though, so we met up and hung out, but parted ways at the end of the night. That next week I continued to see Y and then one night when Keiko came over, I made the fateful decision to leave my cell phone behind while I went out for a jog. As I jogged along, I realized that she would most likely read the mails in my cell phone, which while not particularly incriminating in any way, made it clear that I was in some fashion seeing other people. I couldn't recall if I had intentionally left my phone out in plain sight, knowing that she would be unable to resist reading it, or if I only realized the mistake as I jogged. When I got home, she was long gone and the next time we met, my suspicions were confirmed that she had read my messages.

The following Saturday I had plans to watch movies at my co-workers place, followed by a farewell party for some of my half-Japanese friends at night. All was going well, until I suddenly got a mail from Y saying that her plans for the next day had been canceled. When I called her to see what was going on, she informed me that her now ex-boyfriend had moved all of his stuff out that day. She was in tears and with my white knight on a shining white horse complex, I immediately offered to go see her. We went off to grab dinner and both drank copious amounts so once again ended up crashing at her place.

We woke up around 6AM in the morning, just hanging out, having coffee and pastries like it was the most normal thing in the world. We finally ended up deciding to go for a boat ride up to Asakusa to go visit her friend who was running a Korean BBQ place up there. We get there, have lunch, drink some more, visit a temple, go to an amusement park and then head back to our part of Tokyo for...more drinking. We finally end up heading back to her place around 11PM or so and as soon as we step into her place, I notice that there's something different..this clay pot that had been there in the morning was not in her private elevator any longer.

Once we got up to the third floor it was clear that the ex had been there, as the lilypads or whatever they were were floating in the clay pot. She immediately burst into tears (although she had been crying all day long so it didn't phase me much) and then kicked me out of her place. As I left I realized I did not need this at this point in my life, so I deleted her contact information out of my phone, for all the good that such an act does when all of the e-mails and calls remain in the history. And of course mine remain in her cell phone.

And the ex-boyfriend? A real winner... apparently some kind of freelance photographer, who is divorced and has three kids. And led her on for five years.

Go vote tomorrow!

I've been meeting awesome girls in my dreams.
Then I wake up..and they're not real, of course,
but I miss them nonetheless. This didn't use to
happen..

Anyway, so let me tell you what happened after we parted ways!
Well, to start off with, I was supposed to give Tim a call from your
cell phone before I got on the plane. Forgetting to do that was the
start of my trouble, although of course I did not know this at the
time!

After I got inside, I realized that, oh shit, they're never going to let
me on the plane with all of this lotion. When I had asked for the
box, I had only thought about using it to pack them nicely inside
my suitcase, forgetting that I couldn't even take them on my
carry-on luggage from LAX to SFO. Thankfully I did realize it
before I had even lined up to go through security... so I quickly
taped up the box and checked it in... which I was kicking myself
for having to do, since my window at SFO to catch my flight to
Narita was so short I didn't want to have to wait for checked
baggage.

So then I get on the plane and of course it's delayed 20 minutes
or so... great. Finally we take off and it's a quick flight with no
further delays, but I'm still 25 minutes later than the original time,
so I am a little panicked as I get off the plane. I run to the first
pay phone I can and give Tim a call...no answer. At this point,
I start to worry. But I hurry over to the initial meeting point...
only to realize that there are actually two food courts in the
international terminal. After not finding Tim at the first one,
I hustle over to the other one... still no time. Now I'm sweating
bullets.

I get on the wireless as quick as I can, running through a
massive amount of backup plans the whole while. Unfortunately,
I can't find anyone actively online, so I give up and call Angela
who, angel that she is, answers and immediately starts trying
to help me out. She calls Tim's house and his sister... no
answer. Things would be looking very, very grim but as I chat
with Angela, I look up my flight time... for the first time having
an inkling that I may have misremembered the departure time.
And LO AND BEHOLD the flight is actually at 2pm, not 1pm...
so I've got an hour more than I had originally thought!

As I chat with Angela, she suddenly stops typing, only to
resume shortly to let me know that Tim is in the parking garage!
It turns out that my first call after I landed in SFO is what woke
him up.. he then sped like crazy to make it to the airport...and
so I managed to get my luggage and make it on to my flight.
Crazy, huh?

(originally sent as an e-mail to a friend)

So yesterday I was getting some coffee when I overheard a conversation between this guy who must have been in his mid to late 40s at the youngest and some random female employee. I don't work with either of them on the project, so their existences are ... not relevant to mine. Except the old guy commented to the woman that he had never been on a two-week vacation before. He stated that he had been told that was the way to go and that he would like to give it a try sometime. As I finished making myself coffee, I mulled over what I had just heard. I had taken my first two week plus vacation when I was a mere 24 years of age, only 2 years into my career. And yet here was someone who had been working decades longer and had never been able to do so.

My peers and I are very fortunate that we have the means to do so. However, for the most part, we had to earn our place in society by going to college and getting good jobs. I am more grateful now for being able to afford the luxury, the extravagance of a two+ week vacation after having heard that conversation. On some level though, it irks me that I completely take for granted what to many people in the world would consider an unimaginable gift.

Today I got the official word to head back to Tokyo. The original plan was for me to be here until the end of July/mid-August. But now I will be leaving here at the end of June, then take a week off in California before heading back to Tokyo. I have mixed feelings about all of this, since I was sent out here to accomplish something. Yanking me off the project now before I'm done leaves me without any sense of accomplishment. Fortunately things are ramping up so I can possibly get a lot done before I go. To have this turn out to be a pointless use of two and a half months of my life is ... less than an ideal way to think about it. So I will have to try to salvage what I can of the situation and put a positive spin on it.

Well, one big happening really. It looks like I'm going to be going to the Philadelphia area in mid-April to participate in a project that one of the other companies in the ING Group is doing. The duration is very much in flux right now, at least as far as I am aware. There has been an amazing paucity of details, mostly due to the fact that my attendance has only just been decided upon. But, I think there's a good chance that I will be out there from around April 14th until the end of July. More details when I have them, but this sounds like a good opportunity to move my career along.. I think.

So I've been at ING for going on a month now. It started off
really, really slow. I showed up the first day expecting to
attend the new employee orientation but was immediately escorted
to a separate room. On the way I was told that I would be
getting my orientation in English... in March or so. Not
exactly a timely orientation. I pleaded with my guide that I
can understand Japanese no problem, but to no avail. As a
result I spent many hours learning the ropes by myself, so I
don't even think there's a point to attending orientation now,
but I imagine I'll have no choice.

Until now, I have only worked at very small companies, so it's
been an eye-opening experience working at a truly large company.
There are definitely things that I miss about working at a small
company but of course working at global giant also has its
pluses. I think I was naive in expecting to receive more TLC
at a large company. Oh well, it's a great learning experience.
And now, a month after I started, my work environment is now
just about properly setup.. something that I would have expected
on the first day, but hey, better late than never.

On a completely unrelated note I finally got around to getting
a Japanese driver's license. It was remarkably easy, but I was
amazingly lucky, I think. For the Japanese themselves, the
acquisition of a license requires that they go through a proper
training course which ends up costing them around $3,000 and
usually takes months to complete in full. Since I already had
a driver's license, all that I had to do was take a written
test and then schedule a behind-the-wheel test. I was assured
by many people that no one passes the first time but through
some fluke I managed to pass it the first time. The day I took
it, there were only four of us doing it, and two of us passed.
The other guy who passed was taking it for the second time and
told me that his first time there were fourteen people..and only
two passed. I was fairly elated. Anyway, good times, and I got
to drive my brother's car up to the ski slopes the following
weekend, so the timing couldn't have been better.

Last October, I went to Europe for the first time. I was sent
to attend a conference in Paris and after it was over I took
a week off and bummed around Italy by myself. I had previously
vowed that I would not travel alone again, and I was reminded
why again on this trip. I just don't feel like there's much
point to enjoying anything like that by myself. Maybe other
people can appreciate the sights and sounds of another country
without needing to share the experience with someone else, but
it just doesn't work for me. And then to top it all off I had
all of my luggage, barring my man-bag, stolen on my last morning
there. Fortunately I had all of my truly valueable stuff in
that bag, or I would have been stranded in Italy. Oh hell no.
I'll post up some pictures sometime, really.

After I got back to Japan, I was almost immediately headhunted
for a position at ING Life, where I started last Friday. The
interview process was about as short as the previous time, only
requiring one actual interview. I somewhat reluctantly informed
ILOG about the situation and was surprised at how supportive
they were about the decision. It was a strange feeling being
there for the first half of January, knowing that I'd soon be
leaving them to go work somewhere else. I learned a lot from
them and met some great people there but in the end I had to
move on!

And so the other big thing recently was that my father passed
away. It's a strange feeling to know that one of the two people
directly responsible for my existence is no longer alive. I
went to the funeral, which was really just a cremation ceremony.
My sister had come to Japan a couple of months prior to care
after my father in his last days, so the three of us were all
there. It was a strange occasion, to say the least, since I
felt like such an outsider, like I didn't really belong there.
As I gazed upon his casket and saw his face, I didn't really
know what to feel. I am not one to hold a grudge and even
though I have a temper and used to hate the man with all of
being, fourteen years will do a lot to temper even the most
fiery hatred.

After the cremation, all that was left was ashes and bone,
after seventy-five years of existence on this planet. Most
of us will leave little in the way of legacies, living on
only in memories while the people who know us still live.
Even though I have never felt the need to turn to religion
for solace from the eternal nothingness that faces us all,
sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is.

Since I last posted a blog entry. It doesn't seem that long.
I just had a very momentuous event happen in my life. My father
passed away. I hadn't talked to him in more than 14 years.

I'm back in California for the first time in about a year and nine months to attend my friend's wedding & hang out with friends and family. It's good to be back..and feels totally normal.. almost like no time has passed, but it has been more than three years since I've lived here. A strange feeling. Anyway, here's some pics :





More here.

After my last trip I came back to Tokyo and relaxed for a couple weeks before Marvin and Tommy came to visit. That was literally the most exhausting "vacation" that I have ever had. I usually prefer to do very little on my own vacations, but they had a mere week in Tokyo, which is nowhere near enough time to see, do, and eat everything that is worthwhile. But we did our best! During Golden Week most of Japan has the week off, except those poor service sector bastards, so it was crowded everywhere we went. The one day I had to work that week ironically ended up being my most relaxing. It was great hanging out with Marvin here and all, but I really needed a vacation after that.

I'm going to go through Heroes withdrawal after the season finale..next week? I really love that show, although watching Spider-man 3 and then watching the episode where Peter & Sylar fight five years in the future made me wish they had better hero effects. Most of the time they're really low-budget and, well, ghetto. Love the story-line though!

And America, what is up? Why is W. not impeached yet? The smell of rank corruption makes it all the way over to this side of the Pacific. Fuck them all, get them out of the White House! Impeach them all the way down to Mineta... er, is Mineta even still Secretary of Transportation? Ah well, do something about that horrible monkey in the WH please, so I can start feeling good about my country again. You wouldn't really want me to stay in the land of tentacle porn, would you?

Here's a few photos :








The rest are here.